I’ve Had All I Can Stand … Now I’m Going to Weigh in on Jon and Kate
Posted on June 10, 2009
Filed Under psychology, research, sad, unasked for advice
I’m always suspicious of frequently quoted studies that never seem to be backed up with the name and/or date of the study. For example, “lottery winners remain at their previous level of happiness.” It turns out, however, this is an actual study and apparently it’s true: both parapalegics and lottery winners tend to rate themselves at about the same level of happiness five years after the defining event.
And what does this have to do with Jon and Kate Gosselin? Well, for one thing, I think all the commenters who believe their riches spoiled them are wrong, but I do think that neither of them seem able to stop and sit and think about how lucky they are. They have 8 healthy kids, which is a true miracle with sextuplets. They’ve gotten to do all kinds of cool stuff; which nobody should begrudge them, but which doesn’t seem to have made them all that happy, mostly because they always seem too overwhelmed with the stress of getting and doing whatever cool thing that’s happening to actually stop and appreciate the event. (As an aside, that’s one reason why I usually refuse to video family events. Are you on a vacation or are you filming a vacation?)
Amazingly, the episode that finally sent me flying to the computer was an older one that I happened to last night about the trials and trauma undergone by the Gosselins as they were getting new carpet for their house. Getting new carpet. For their house. That was their problem. I turned the show off after 20 minutes; at no point did I hear either of them say how it was great to get new carpet or how they sure were glad to be getting rid of the old carpet. Instead I saw 20 minutes of belly-aching about how they have to move the furniture both out of and then back into the room. And also about how each of them had to at one point do it alone because the other left to do something that, honestly, I would have rescheduled if I was getting new carpet (Kate got her hair done, I forget what Jon did but it was something equally postponable).
And, oh, the sniping. And the snide remarks. And the sarcasm. On both sides. At least in this episode, Jon gave as good as he got. They were like the married friends you hate to be around because they turn every get together into a public airing of each other’s faults.
The whole thing reminded me that it doesn’t matter what you have; if you can’t enjoy it, you don’t have it, it has you. Which, now that I think about it, seems to be Jon Gosselin’s point whenever he’s spoken lately.
But, there’s another path you can take besides chucking your whole life out the window (and replacing it with the swinging bachelor life you apparently think you missed out on. Not Cool, Dude.) And that’s to take some time to appreciate and be grateful for what you have.
I can’t do that for the Gosselins, they’ll have to help themselves, if they can; but watching them bitch and moan through the trauma of getting new carpet was an exceptionally timely lesson for me since just yesterday I started a 30 day project of writing down one thing each day that I am grateful for. Yesterday, I was grateful for my friend Hari’s ever-present cheeriness (he is the anti-Jon and Kate). Today, it was for something bigger – I got a big check yesterday so I can get the air conditioner in my car fixed. (Well, hopefully – let’s hope tomorrow’s gratitude is “Yes, I am able to get my a/c fixed!” and not “Now I’m that much closer to getting my a/c fixed!” It’s really, really hot outside.) According to yet another, frequently quoted, often unsourced study, practicing gratitude is one of the few things you can do that will actually raise your happiness level above its natural set-point. (I’m not going to bother looking up the study; Oprah says it, so we all know it’s true.)
So Jon and Kate, just remember – sometimes you have to stop and smell the outgassing.
This One Time at Teen Adventure Camp…
Posted on May 13, 2009
Filed Under funny
So I was searching on the CNN website last night with my daughter for Consequences of Teen Sexual Activity (for a school project, dirty mind!) and the ads were kind of interesting:
Click to Enlarge
You’re buying these keywords to advertise your Teen Adventure Camp? I don’t think so Camp Tawonga! On the hand, Curves? No wonder those women coming out never look like they’ve been sweating.
Advice for Grads Who Wish to Suck
Posted on May 6, 2009
Filed Under unasked for advice
So my son came home yesterday with a Royal blue cap and gown and my niece (I always feel the need to mention she is a grown woman with children) posted on Facebook that there are 20 more days of school and with my usual grasp of upcoming time, it hit me: school is almost over and my son will be a high school graduate.
I feel compelled to give advice.
My son, who knows I am a fraud, will ignore my advice. But you, my readers, perhaps you are still unsure. Perhaps you are still willing to hear me out. And so, it is for you I present:
Advice for Grads Who Wish to Suck
- First, choose a profession at which you choose to suck. This is a whole process unto itself, which, for now, we will assume you have completed.
- Get a job in this profession or if it is something you can do for free, begin doing it for free immediately.
- Immediately suck at the profession you have chosen.
- Do not be aware that you suck. Be proud of what you are doing. Send it out for everyone to look at. Solicit their feedback. Divide the feedback into two groups: jealous haters and righteous fans (typically your parents and other relatives).
- Continue to suck.
- Start to not receive the recognition you rightfully deserve! Instead other people are receiving acclaim for stuff you could do better in your sleep! Why does everybody think design is so important? It’s technical skills that count in this world!
- Begin to suspect, quietly, late at night, deep in your soul, that, maybe, you suck at what you do.
- When no one can see what you’re doing, start looking at the work of the people who are getting noticed. Just what is so great about what they do anyway? Start to copy it.
- You can’t copy it. You do suck.
- Why can’t you copy it? Look at it really, really closely.
- Keep trying to copy it.
- You can’t copy it. You do suck.
- Repeat steps 10-12 for the rest of your life.
- You will slowly get better at both step 10 and step 11. Getting better at both steps is important. If you feel like you can only devote time to getting better at one step of this process, devote your time to getting better at step 10.
- One day you will do something you don’t think you’ve seen anybody else before. You’ve done something original.
- No, that moment was fleeting. You actually do still suck - return to step 13 with step 15 thrown in occasionally just to keep you hooked.
- Rinse and Repeat.
I have followed this process for much of my life and it has served me well. For example, Ira Glass said all of this better than me.
Ten Things I Didn’t Know I Needed Until I Read the SkyMall Catalog
Posted on May 1, 2009
Filed Under Uncategorized
- A Pen That Also Makes Videos!
- A Doormat My Dog Can Pee On!
- The “Keep Your Distance” Bug Vacuum!
- A Marshmallow Shooter!
- My Very Own Breathalyzer - in both Professional and Prestige models!
- A Giant Blow-Up Movie Screen for showing movies in my back yard!
- DYI Accupuncture Kit!
- Travel Head Spa Massager!
- An Automatic Watch Winder! because doing that job myself is just so tedious
- A Sumo Wrestler Sculpture and Glass Topped Table
And One Thing I didn’t know existed that I’m totally going to buy
- Brownie pan that makes only brownies that are all edges - where have you been all my life?
In Which I Once Again Realize That Think More Like a Mother Than a Child
Posted on April 29, 2009
Filed Under family, funny
I read Postcards from Yo Momma on a daily basis, primarily to commiserate and fellowship with other children about their clueless and embarrassing moms. Mine is 82 now and where others see a kindly, frail old lady, I still see a woman who responded to my recent happy report of losing some weight with “Wow, that’s great, you really had A LOT of weight you needed to lose!” And thank you for the congratulations, that didn’t take any of my joy away one teeny bit.
However, I’m a mom as well as a daughter and so I also enjoy seeing those ungrateful rug rats get their just deserts as well. To wit, this recent entry, which I will now reprint in its entirety so that I may look at it and get pleasure from it whenever I want.
SUBJECT: Computers vs. Cleaning: Who Wins?
Backstory: My mom and I started fighting when I got frustrated with her THIRD inquiry this week about attaching files to emails. I sent her a message detailing the steps in doing this, and also advised her to start retaining information about the internet, computer, etc. I mentioned that she’d be around for another 50 years and better get used to technology.
You know what, here’s what we’ll do. When you get so frustrated about my computer literacy, just remember how I feel when you can’t remember to make your bed, hang clothes, wipe off the sink, clean the toilet and empty trashcans. I keep telling you to learn how to do that but you don’t because it is not important to you. So I go after you and clean it up. You can show me how to do computer stuff when I need it. It’s all common sense, right, cleaning up after yourself and using the computer? Cleaning is going to be around for the next 100 years and you just can’t say, “I don’t have time to do this, I’ll do it next month.”
When your kids’ friends come over and say your house is a pigsty, (like your brother told Ms. S when he was little), you can remember this little chat we’ve had today and really get a big kick out of it! Cleaning has been around for longer than computers and has proven to be effective in making people happy and keeping them healthy. Cleanliness is a VIRTUE! Windex and 409 are very user friendly and come with instructions.
So pick up a bottle of cleaner and really try it out in several locations. You’ll really like the feeling of being neat and clean once you get used to it. Have a FANTASTIC afternoon. I have to go do the stuff that keeps me distracted, like wait in line for a grumpy 15 year old, pick up Dad’s pants for the third time, get his secretaries flowers for some reason…etc.
Love, Mama
Oh No! Stupidity is A FELONY!
Posted on April 28, 2009
Filed Under funny
My days of freedom are numbered - I need to savor them while I can.
Official who OK’d N.Y. flyby accused of ‘felony stupidity’
…But You can be Immature for a Lifetime
Posted on April 22, 2009
Filed Under Around the Internet, family, fun, funny, minor rebellions
It will perhaps come as no surprise to the regular reader of this blog that I take pleasure in the minor rebellion against authority. For example, I saw no reason to mention here that my son’s Odyssey of the Mind team took first place in their state competition and will be traveling on to compete nationally in exciting Ames, Iowa, even though I screamed so loud and started crying so hard when Savannah Arts Academy won second place that the woman in front of me congratulated me and asked me which child was mine. In fact, my child does not go to that school. But their second place meant I was about to hear his team’s name announced for first place and I was gearing up for the big reveal. And still, that wasn’t worth mentioning here.
But a photo in his yearbook with a snarky comment under it? For that, I’ll haul my scanner out, scan the photo in, touch it up to be more readable and post it on here 10 minutes after he tells me about it and tell him with complete sincerity that I’ve never been more proud of him.
I’ve got my own secret underside of snarky rebellion (I keep it upperside here so you know about it, but in real life, I’m much more mild-mannered.) For weeks, I stood in my break room and stared at a sign over the industrial toaster reading, “WARNING! Only two of these four slots work!” before I couldn’t take it any longer and whipped out my sharpie and wrote on the bottom of the sign, “Which two?” The next day the sign was gone and the toaster remains so either they fixed the toaster or decided we no longer deserved to even be warned about the Russian Roulette we were playing with our bagels.
Sooo, I’m sure you can imagine my delight in discovering passiveaggressivenotes.com — the kind of thing this Internet was totally made for. I mean, who needs to pay bills or order pizza online or other dumb stuff like that when you can spend endless hours reading wonderful stuff like this.
And yes, I’ve been doing this since I posted the first one to my Facebook page five hours ago. Why no, my boss isn’t in the office today. Why do you ask?
